“Well, now that we have seen each other,” said the unicorn, “if you’ll believe in me, I’ll believe in you.”

It’s REALLY hard to keep believing right now.

But.

I have no choice but to just grit my teeth and keep going.

Today was the last day of 30 days of oral antibiotics. Finally done.

I continue to have hot flashes, and I am *hopeful* that once the antibiotics leave my system they will also disappear.

In the meantime, I noticed some interesting-looking cervical mucous yesterday and started to wonder….maybe Dr. WK and I have it turned around and maybe that spotting I had a couple of weeks ago was actually a light period and now my body is trying to ovulate? Magical thinking, perhaps, but why not?

I had an appointment with my family doctor today regarding my foot. So yesterday I e-mailed Dr. WK to see if I should request some tests…he wants me to check my FSH, LH, Estradiol, and Progesterone, and get a pelvic ultrasound and told me “I hope you get some good news.”

Well.

Since I hadn’t been to my doctor since September of 2011, I had a LOT to fill her in on. The ureaplasma that Dr. Click Clack (napro doctor) found but could not eradicate, the change in my thyroid medication dosage, the death in my family, the MIA periods, and then the controversial out-of-country medical treatment. I printed off a magazine article on Dr. WK to give to her because I felt I needed some support for my decision.

I like my family doctor. This is only the second time I have met her, but she is very sweet and listens well and doesn’t rush me. Today, as I blabbered on about the past 16 months of my life, she just sat there, grinning and listening…I had no idea what she was thinking. I couldn’t help but be reminded of Cheshire Cat….so I hereby christen her Dr. Cheshire. She seemed to take it all in stride, and said that I seemed more “settled” than I was the last time we discussed fertility, perhaps because I now feel I “have done everything (I) can”.

Mmmm…I don’t think I’m at a place of closure yet….but I agree that because I feel a greater sense of wellbeing overall, if I come to the end of the road, I will be stronger and able to cope with it better. It’s hard to cope with a tough card in your hand when you feel like crap all the time.

I chickened out of requesting a pelvic ultrasound. Not ready to see how my follicles are doing.

And I asked for a Day 3 requisition for my bloodwork. Again, not ready to see how my hormones are doing yet. PLUS I don’t even know what we are looking for when it comes to my FSH if it is mid-cycle…what would be good news? I want my period, and then I will go get checked on CD3.

She did check my thyroid today.

And…my foot pain is, yes, due to high heels. It apparently takes 6 weeks for the inflammation to go down, but ice packs and Advil for 5-10 days should help. If they don’t, I can get a steroid injection.

My final news is that we are looking at some dates in February for Mr. H’s treatment. When I know for sure, I will try to meet some of you who expressed interest for tea. It will be easier for me this time as I will not be getting treatment or a D&C or anything like that.

So I don’t know what is going on…I’m feeling a lot of free-floating anxiety about my body…I really hope that it’s just taking its sweet time to recalibrate and for my immune system to calm down. And, since Mr. H won’t be finished his month of oral antibiotics until close to the end of March, there isn’t THAT much of a rush at this point.

I keep forgetting to mention this, but those of you who have gone the Chinese medicine route, or who remember me going that route will appreciate this….TWO big changes I have noticed since the treatment: (1) my lower abdomen used to always be cold (aka “cold uterus”), but it is now consistently warm! and (2) my “map tongue”, which usually had a patch at the back, indicating weakness in the reproductive system, is now much improved and that patch in the back of my tongue is often healed now. Weird, right?

Now that I am finished my antibiotics, I am going to get on that probiotic train…sauerkraut, right, CS?…and get going on supplements again. It’s like I am on the last leg of a very long marathon…it’s almost time to start sprinting and use every ounce of faith and energy I have left to push myself to get to that finish line, with or without a baby.