“And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after the candle is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing.”

I am at the end of my rope.

I just spent the last week extremely sick with one of the many viruses that has been going around.

And in the past few days, just as I started to recover, my vagina became itchy mcitchiness. And I’ve been eating sauerkraut (I just polished off my second jar in as many weeks!) and taking probiotics. I don’t even *know* if it’s a yeast infection. It’s just crazy itchy. Today I broke down and bought a Canesten kit at the drugstore and applied the cream, which helped. 

I’ve also been nauseous over the past 36 hours – hormonal changes??

And, while a little better, my foot STILL hurts!

Plus, last night, after spending the evening with a friend who discovered a malignant lump in her breast a year ago and ended up having a mastectomy, I think I found a lump in my breast. It might just be hypochondria. I can’t be sure.

And the hot flashes continue.

So, basically, my body is falling apart.

That’s how it feels.

Really reaching here to give you any positives….um….

(1) Yes, Dr. WK confirmed that it is possible that the antibiotics did interfere with my thyroid meds (I wish SOMEONE – he or the pharmacist – had told me how to take them together)….he said it should correct itself, but in the meantime to take the higher dose, which I’ve been doing and it seems to have helped the hot flashes a little. 

(2) I did catch Dr. WK on the phone a couple of days ago and he asked me if I had had a pelvic ultrasound or blood test, and I told him “no” (I know – I am totally in denial here, but I just can’t face it right now). He asked if I felt better after the treatment, and I said, “yes” – this is true….I do feel much better, but, as I explained to him, over the past few weeks my cervical mucous is no longer as good as it was when I was on the antibiotics…I am not sure if that is because of my thyroid imbalance or because of the possible yeast infection (if that’s what it is) or what. He said that when I return with my husband he would like to take a peek at my ovaries (insert nervous scream here) and maybe do a culture…he says he has not excluded the possibility of prescribing more antibiotics for me. so this is good. Follow-up is good. And scary.

(3) Yes, we are leaving soon for the next chapter – the flights are booked, the hotel is booked, the husband is looking at me warily like the dog before I take him to the vet…And at the same time I also think he is hopeful that this might lead to a baby….at the very least I hope he feels better afterwards, too, and I hope my body somehow gets itself in order.

(4) I have been trying to get myself into a good place, but it’s not really happening. Deep down, I still feel certain a baby is possible, so that is not the problem. What is the problem is this whole infertility subculture. Not the community – I love you guys – but the marketplace that goes after our pocketbooks. I used to think the whole traditional Chinese medicine/holistic/natural approach was somehow superior to the IVF clinics, but lately I’ve just been feeling disenchanted with that, too. If I read one more book that says, “I had a client named Barren Brenda and she was 43 years old and had tried *everything* to get pregnant. She’d had surgery and inseminations and IVFs and then she came to me and we talked about her broken past and she learned to meditate with my CD and she had a profound dream and ate organic food and did yoga and learned how to breathe properly. She just sent me a picture of her beautiful son who was born two days after her 45th birthday.”….because I’m really fricking tired of being GOOD. Of eating organic and giving up wheat and dairy and alcohol and coffee and taking herbs and supplements and reducing my stress and writing down my dreams and doing yoga and feeling guilty when I don’t do that stuff….I am really fed up with it all. I’ve done all that. And it didn’t work. It didn’t cure me. Months and months of it and yes, sure, I felt better in some ways, but in other ways I felt punished by the deprivation. That said, I know I have a hormonal imbalance and while I cannot return to Baby Lady (the second acupuncturist I saw – aka the food nazi), I have left a voicemail for Yu Ming – she was the first acupuncturist I saw who did not do the brewed herbs – she did the pill form of the herbs. And she included talking as part of her sessions (but not lecturing about food) and I think I need that, too. I am going to try to see her this week if I can. Maybe she can help with my foot, and my hormones and my lack of period.

So that’s where I’m at. Not very pleasant, really. But I try to remind myself to be patient. Dinah, Dr WK’s other patient, took 4 months after treatment to have a much lower FSH and conceive. It may take a while, or I may need more antibiotics to kick this infection, before my body is in balance. It’s still in a wobbly place, and so am I.



10 thoughts on ““And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after the candle is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing.”

  1. I know I just recently started taking my thryoid at something like 4am and NOTHING else – small glass of water, but no food, no other pills the rest of the morning, and it seems to help. Thyroid meds seem to be one of the tempermental divas in the medicine world. Having to take antibiotics and having them mess up both your thyroid and give you a possible infection? So frustrating! I’m so sorry that everything seems to be screwing up your body – sounds awful!

    I do hope the acupuncturist can help you start feeling better! Hang in there!

  2. I am so sorry, Maddy! This is precisely why aI don’t particularly like positive thinking, because when things don’t turn out the way we want, we feel guilty because we did not think proper positive thoughts and it is our fault, when it reality it is not. We balme ourselves for so many bloody things in life, but we are glutton for more… Gah.
    I hope your body settles soon into a baby-friendly routine. Your unswerving trust in the baby at the end of the journey is remarkable, and makes us cheer you even louder. 🙂

  3. First: many many hugs.
    Second: what Mina said.
    Third: well done on contacting Dr. WK
    Fourth: yay for going there with your husband.
    Keep that in mind when ‘fearing’ what Dr. WK may or may not see when looking at your ovaries: you will be there together.
    Fifth: If I could send you pills/roses/chocolates/anything to stop you feel guilty for a week I would take a subscription. Everything you do, you try to do 150%. And sometimes I think you feel like a failure when you achieve “only” 120% !!!
    Wishing for your wobbles to settle and for your miracle to come.

  4. Well my dear. A yeast infection with the avalange of antibiotics you have taken is the least that can happen and in fact I was surprised it didn’t happen sooner! So Cansten will sort it out and you’ll be as good as new down below. Mucus with that kind of an infection would be as close to a miracle as they come. And you know I’m not saying things just to cheer you up (I never encouraged you much on the chinese/alternative therapies front!) but this is normal in my opinion. Your thyroid will balance itself once again and you will feel better. Look, I completely understand that every time something happens it feels like a massive delay in your quest, but till Dh has his treatment there nothing to do anyway, so for now, just try and rationalise that you are not wasting any time at all. Eat what you want, what makes you feel good, though I am afraid all those sessions on “proper” ttc diet might have scarred you for life, STOP feeling guilty even for the rain that falls down, you really are doing all that’s possible, so just STOP. Love, Fran

  5. I completely hear you about the whole alternative health/diet guru thing. I went to a naturopath last week, shelled out $250 only to be told that I need a $250 saliva test and a $100 follow-up visit. When I was going over my diet and exercise habits with her I realized that I am pretty healthy with regard to my weight, food choices and exercise regime. I still eat dairy, gluten, sugar, and drink alcohol, but I don’t go overboard. Any time that I’ve tried to diet in the past (to lose wight or be healthier) I’ve failed and made myself feel worse. I am sick of the doubt and guilt! I love how these “healers” say, “you know your body best and what it needs” only to forbid any sort of normal food in the next breath.
    I am sorry to hear that you are going through trying times. Sending you hugs and hope!

  6. Please don’t beat yourself up! You are doing a fantastic job and yeast infections well as Fran said—very common after antibiotics. Hope you feel better soon– those nasty flu viruses are no joke!

  7. I am sad that you are in a hopeless spot. I hope that you are able to get in with your acupuncturist and that it helps. I agree with Valerie and am sending all possible good vibes.

  8. Fran is such a wise owl! I like her words of wisdom here. Enjoy doing what makes you happy while you wait for Dh to have his ‘work done’. You’ve had a lot on your plate lately and to top it off yeast infections are so irritating, I’ve tried the natural route in the past and always had to end up reaching for the canestin. The relief once that angry itching subsides is bliss dont you think.
    In regards to the stories we read about Mrs X who tried for years to concieve then finally got knocked up when she just diid xyz…. I am totally with you on the frustration. I dont think anything is that easy. Sometimes things just happen and its rarely because of one simple change. You are an amazing and strong woman – I remember way back when you used to go to Yu Ming and reading your posts after your visit to her – I remember thinking she seemed like an amazing person to have on your side. I hope she can help you again. xxx

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