I am at the end of my rope.
I just spent the last week extremely sick with one of the many viruses that has been going around.
And in the past few days, just as I started to recover, my vagina became itchy mcitchiness. And I’ve been eating sauerkraut (I just polished off my second jar in as many weeks!) and taking probiotics. I don’t even *know* if it’s a yeast infection. It’s just crazy itchy. Today I broke down and bought a Canesten kit at the drugstore and applied the cream, which helped.
I’ve also been nauseous over the past 36 hours – hormonal changes??
And, while a little better, my foot STILL hurts!
Plus, last night, after spending the evening with a friend who discovered a malignant lump in her breast a year ago and ended up having a mastectomy, I think I found a lump in my breast. It might just be hypochondria. I can’t be sure.
And the hot flashes continue.
So, basically, my body is falling apart.
That’s how it feels.
Really reaching here to give you any positives….um….
(1) Yes, Dr. WK confirmed that it is possible that the antibiotics did interfere with my thyroid meds (I wish SOMEONE – he or the pharmacist – had told me how to take them together)….he said it should correct itself, but in the meantime to take the higher dose, which I’ve been doing and it seems to have helped the hot flashes a little.
(2) I did catch Dr. WK on the phone a couple of days ago and he asked me if I had had a pelvic ultrasound or blood test, and I told him “no” (I know – I am totally in denial here, but I just can’t face it right now). He asked if I felt better after the treatment, and I said, “yes” – this is true….I do feel much better, but, as I explained to him, over the past few weeks my cervical mucous is no longer as good as it was when I was on the antibiotics…I am not sure if that is because of my thyroid imbalance or because of the possible yeast infection (if that’s what it is) or what. He said that when I return with my husband he would like to take a peek at my ovaries (insert nervous scream here) and maybe do a culture…he says he has not excluded the possibility of prescribing more antibiotics for me. so this is good. Follow-up is good. And scary.
(3) Yes, we are leaving soon for the next chapter – the flights are booked, the hotel is booked, the husband is looking at me warily like the dog before I take him to the vet…And at the same time I also think he is hopeful that this might lead to a baby….at the very least I hope he feels better afterwards, too, and I hope my body somehow gets itself in order.
(4) I have been trying to get myself into a good place, but it’s not really happening. Deep down, I still feel certain a baby is possible, so that is not the problem. What is the problem is this whole infertility subculture. Not the community – I love you guys – but the marketplace that goes after our pocketbooks. I used to think the whole traditional Chinese medicine/holistic/natural approach was somehow superior to the IVF clinics, but lately I’ve just been feeling disenchanted with that, too. If I read one more book that says, “I had a client named Barren Brenda and she was 43 years old and had tried *everything* to get pregnant. She’d had surgery and inseminations and IVFs and then she came to me and we talked about her broken past and she learned to meditate with my CD and she had a profound dream and ate organic food and did yoga and learned how to breathe properly. She just sent me a picture of her beautiful son who was born two days after her 45th birthday.”….because I’m really fricking tired of being GOOD. Of eating organic and giving up wheat and dairy and alcohol and coffee and taking herbs and supplements and reducing my stress and writing down my dreams and doing yoga and feeling guilty when I don’t do that stuff….I am really fed up with it all. I’ve done all that. And it didn’t work. It didn’t cure me. Months and months of it and yes, sure, I felt better in some ways, but in other ways I felt punished by the deprivation. That said, I know I have a hormonal imbalance and while I cannot return to Baby Lady (the second acupuncturist I saw – aka the food nazi), I have left a voicemail for Yu Ming – she was the first acupuncturist I saw who did not do the brewed herbs – she did the pill form of the herbs. And she included talking as part of her sessions (but not lecturing about food) and I think I need that, too. I am going to try to see her this week if I can. Maybe she can help with my foot, and my hormones and my lack of period.
So that’s where I’m at. Not very pleasant, really. But I try to remind myself to be patient. Dinah, Dr WK’s other patient, took 4 months after treatment to have a much lower FSH and conceive. It may take a while, or I may need more antibiotics to kick this infection, before my body is in balance. It’s still in a wobbly place, and so am I.