Mission Follicles Aborted

Excuse the pun.

But, well, it is.

Sort of.

Sure, I’m still doing my best to eat well and take care of myself. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t do SOMETHING I’m supposed to, like take a few wheatgrass shots or go to yoga or take my supplements or meditate or SOMETHING. Something proactive.

And I’m still seeing Yu Ming for acupuncture and taking my Chinese herbs 3x/day (the needles are still hurting, and I am feeling the effects of the treatment in my hands and feet – Yu Ming says this is because of the cleansing that is going on – the good news is that she believes it is very superficial, and we will get through it soon).

Plus I go see Energy Man when he’s in town (he said during the most recent treatment I had with him that he had to work hard to move my energy, but he got it moving).

But.

I’m just at the point where I have to let go of trying so hard.

My body is continuing to recover and heal from everything, and I can feel sensations of a period even though there is no bleeding yet. It’s the strangest thing, but once a month I have irritability, cramps, breast tenderness and so on, like my body is going through all the motions, but no bleeding. (Dinah, Dr WK’s other patient, describes the same phenomenon.) My hot flashes increase during that “period” and then decrease again the rest of my cycle. Yu Ming feels confident that my period will begin again soon. I believe her. She has many clients she tells me about who came to her in their late thirties and early forties after their period stopped, thinking they were in menopause. After a few months their period came back and continued into their fifties. I have faith it will come back for me, too.

Mr. H has finished his month-long dose of oral antibiotics and feels much better, too. He even thanked me for putting him through “all the torture” of the treatment.

So we are both feeling better and more energetic and I *do* think my period is going to return. We are even back to unprotected intercourse for the first time since October.

Then why would I stop the big push to grow follicles? Shouldn’t I try even harder now?

Sure, I guess I could kill myself to keep force-feeding myself more and more fruits and veggies (which I do some days, but some days I don’t) and spend more money to go to a Julia Indichova workshop or do her teleconferences or something (I have considered this, and who knows, I may still do it – the testimonials are pretty convincing and I do believe in the mind/body link). Or, once I get my period, I could look into IVF again.

But my gut tells me to just stop pushing so hard now. I think maybe if I’d gotten my period by now, I would have felt encouraged and pushed harder, but my last full period was in October, and I’ve only had 2 real ones in the past year. Sort of takes the wind out of a POF girl’s sails, you know?

And yes, I think it will come back. And I’ll see how I feel when it does – maybe I will feel differently and get back on the bandwagon with naprotechnology charting or who knows what.

But I feel like, at this point, I have worked very hard and climbed a big mountain of infertility. There have been a lot of setbacks and there is no pregnancy or baby, but here we are, anyway. Healthier than we were before. Maybe still a little fertile. Maybe not. Some may say we are too old (saw another ignorant news article this weekend about how nobody should have children past the age of forty because of the health issues children have, how aging parents suck, etc., etc.).

But for now I think we just need to coast for a bit and let whatever happens happen. Now that we can actually have unprotected intercourse, there is still the potential there…whether or not I have my period, too. It’s possible. The cycle that Dinah conceived, she just had a little spotting.

I’ll still keep taking care of myself, of course. This coming week I need to go get my TSH retested to see if my thyroid medication needs adjusting again. I will do everything I can to make sure things are optimum for conception, but I’m also going to *try* to relax about it, too. And my habit of recording everything and thinking about everything all the time is probably counterproductive to that. And let’s be honest…we’re kind of at the stage where there’s not much more to do but wait and see.

If When I get a period, I will go get my FSH/E2 checked on CD3 and I will request cycle monitoring to see what’s going on.

In the meantime, we are just going to move forward with our lives…I am pursuing some more education with regards to my artistic career (I figure if I can’t make a baby, I will make art). We are going on a luxurious beach holiday next month. We are thinking about other travel for this year. I am trying to convince Mr. H. we should get another dog. We will have lots of sex. We will drink fine wine. We will do what makes us happy.

And that’s it.

I’m not giving up or giving in.

I’m just going to “be” for now.

I will keep updating this blog with goings-on, but maybe not as frequently.

This is it, really…the soil is prepared as best as it can be, and we just need to see if nature shows up.

I rarely give instructions on what to comment on my posts, but please don’t tell me you hope I “find peace” or anything like that…I will never find peace with the fact that I’ve been TTC since the age of thirty and it has led me to this place. I will never stop wishing I had forced Mr. H.’s hand sooner so we had married and started trying sooner. I will never stop feeling like I’ve missed out and wondering what I could have done better/sooner/differently. I will never stop feeling angry/sad/disappointed/frustrated/punished. It will always be there.

I continue to hope. And I continue to have faith. But I also need to let go. For now, anyway.

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12 thoughts on “Mission Follicles Aborted

  1. I think this is the best thing you can do right now. Not that I’m a believer of the “just relax” of course, it makes me angry even saying it sarcastically, but you need a bit of head space, you need to live the life of “now” which is really all everyone can do at any given time. Of course you will never feel “ah well it wasn’t meant to be”, because we are intelligent people and think that we could have done something differently to change the outcome of our current present. And to be honest with you I think that is right in fact. But we cannot always think about our regrets. Your attitude is great and has been so for a little while already, I think that feeling better physically, having Mr Hatter cured, doing acupuncture and seeing Energy Man has had a massive positive effect on you. You are not giving up at all, you are appreciating life also as well has wishing for a baby of your own, I don’t see these as being in contradiction at all.
    I would love if you have Ireland in the list of possible vacation, you know I know we’ll meet one day. Love, Fran

  2. I think just letting yourself “be” is a lovely idea. You’ve been so determined and structured for so long, I can’t imagine that having a little unstructured downtime and just having fun would be a bad thing.

  3. There is no other way really, but just to wait and see. You have definitely done your bit of the hard work.

    I am hoping nature will do its trick.

  4. I am glad that the antibiotics are over for everyone involved. I hope that your time of being present to your life outside of fertility is the healing time that you need. Cheering you on from here and hoping for good things.

  5. Yes…. This sounds like a good plan and I hope nature shows up and plants a seed (so to speak). Never give up if you don’t want to but do take good care of yourself (as you are doing now) because that’s the most important part of the plan. Thanks for the update.

  6. Maddy, I don’t even know where to find the words to begin to describe how proud I am of you!
    Completely agree that no matter the present or future, the hurt and regrets don’t suddenly magically cease to exist.
    And bravo on you and Mr H for surviving all the torture and getting out feeling healthier.

  7. Hi Maddy ! It’s been a while, as hiking about you, so thought I wold check in. I am glad to see you in such a good place, as Fran said, he combination of everything or doing seems to be the perfect balance right now. I have been in a similar place, enjoying all of my lifestyle changes I incorporated while TTC , yet being in the moment and enjoying life as it is. I never thought I would arrive here, but here I am, and I’m good, not just ok or getting by.

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