Wondering and Wandering in Wonderland

I saw this poster recently and had to take a snap of it. I don’t know what the advertisement was for, but it felt like it was for me. A message just for me. But what is the message?

Life has been strange lately. I see my baby girl’s name everywhere. And yet I haven’t had a cycle since October.

So I keep going. I have become a yoga fiend and drink lots of freshly squeezed juices. I am back to taking wheatgrass. I continue to try to organize and declutter our home.

I am seeing Yu Ming every week and take the herbs she prescribes. My symptoms are getting better and better. I saw her just yesterday and she told me my energy was “lighter”. I can feel it, too. I feel physically better all the time. As I was telling her, it’s like 12 years ago, my body was like a Hoarders episode – so much debris and congestion that it was difficult to make an impact. Now, through everything I have done, and all that has been cleared (including and especially my treatment with Dr. WK), we are finally at the stage where we can scrub the floors and wash the windows. We are at the bottom layer. My body and immune system have clearly been recalibrating after my antibiotic treatment. Yu Ming thinks I will have my period soon, and that in time, I will be able to wean myself off of the bioidentical hormones and she can give me herbs to support my body’s own hormones.

I am not doing all of this in the frantic, must-make-baby way I did before. In fact, there really isn’t room in my life for a baby right now. We have a great deal of travel ahead of us in the next year. We are having fun dining and going to parties and concerts and doing all the things we didn’t get to do a lot of in our twenties and thirties because we were broke and raising my stepchild. Life is simply moving ahead without that shadow of a possible baby on the horizon, as it was for so many years.

I am now 42. If I am lucky enough that my period comes back, I will absolutely seek out an RE and see what the options are for us. But I am no longer holding my breath. Just moving through what I have to work with right now.

So what is the message? To chase more? To chase less? That what I have dreamt of for so long may finally be within reach?

Time will tell.


9 thoughts on “Wondering and Wandering in Wonderland

  1. Maybe the message is to just be. The rabbit is there, at arm’s reach, but it’s a poster, a still image, it’s not going anywhere. A frozen instant. You live your life and when your droid will be back you can jump right into the poster and snatch that rabbit, if you still wish to. Much love, Fran

  2. It’s good to hear/read your voice again!
    So glad you have fun in your marriage and travel to look forward to. I’m planning a (solo) trip as well, but I think it’s hormones that make me feel guilty about it. (So it’s a good thing I’m too tired to lay awake about that)
    If you happen to pass Hong Kong at the same time as I do let me know.
    And you’re always welcome in Amsterdam.

  3. I think the first thing that stuck me about the poster is how huge Alice is in comparison to the rabbit. Maybe the message is that you are so much larger read more important than the original goal. You’ve grown and changed. I don’t know but it’s always good to read your updates.

  4. Glad to hear an update, glad that you’ve got lots of fun travel to look forward to! I’m looking forward to reading updates whenever they come.

  5. I am still keeping my fingers crossed that you get an oops baby… it would revive my faith in the universe being a place that makes some sense.

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