“The horror of that moment,” the King went on, “I shall never never forget!” “You will, though,” the Queen said, “if you don’t make a memorandum of it.”

You know what’s lovely? When I don’t post for a long time, but I still hear from some of you, asking how I am. That’s really very sweet….thank you. As I was writing in an email to Valery, I’m sorry that I am not really keeping up with reading blogs. It is too painful a reminder that we were all blogging and trying together, and now I am alone. 

I don’t have a great deal to report, but I thought I had better surface so that you know I’m still hanging in over here in barren land.

Long story short, my hormones are still messed up, and I haven’t gotten another period.

I did go back to see Dr. Click Clack (the Naprotechnology doctor) and I now have her on board – I will now go to her for all my bioidentical hormones and bloodwork and ultrasounds and so on. Dr. March Hare was not available enough and not monitoring me enough. Unfortunately, this past cycle I screwed up and took Estradiol for 6 days, thinking it was Progesterone, which is probably why no period…and then I went away for 10 days to a country that doesn’t allow hormone therapy (just my #$%^* luck) so I’ve been having hot flashes and been all out of whack. But now I am back and able to get back on track again. I also took 30 days of a low-dose antibiotic as recommended by Dr. WK to take care of any bugs that my period might have woken up. He is now saying I can take it for several months…I am not sure what to do about that – whether that means I *should* take it for several months….I don’t really want to unless I have to…at the same time, many of his patients have reported getting pregnant a few years after their treatment with him while on antibiotics for another reason, so I don’t know…I will have to email him to discuss further. I also got Dr. Click Clack to do some swabs to see if my ureaplasma is finally gone post-treatment with Dr. WK. I haven’t heard from her, so I assume it was clear – this is good.

Prior to my trip, I’d been seeing Yu Ming once a week for acupuncture and herbs. I also went 6 weeks without foods that my blood test showed I was sensitive to in order to reduce inflammation (I now have to get back on that wagon). AND Dr. Click Clack wants me to go back to taking Low Dose Naltrexone, so I am doing that again. Oh, and I saw Energy Man last month and went to 3 massage therapy appointments to try to get all the kinks in my body worked out (still need to go back).

So all of this to say, I continue to do a lot to try to get my body in balance. It’s a lot of work, and I’m still nowhere near the finish line. I try not to be sad that there is no baby, and there may never be one. Mostly I just suppress the sadness…if I let it out, it’s just too much.

I had a strange thing happen during my energy healing appointment. My whole body filled with white light (this usually happens) and then I had a conversation with my mother (who passed away a few years ago). It was like a long distance phone call with her in my head…or maybe just my mind playing tricks on me. She told me that it’s good that I’m taking care of myself and not to worry, she is taking care of my baby girl for me until she can come join me. She said she is lovely and she is enjoying her, and she will be coming to me in the next 6 months to a year. Even if it is my mind playing tricks, it was a comfort to think my baby girl’s spirit is with my mom – it has made me sad that I couldn’t have a baby when she was alive.

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9 thoughts on ““The horror of that moment,” the King went on, “I shall never never forget!” “You will, though,” the Queen said, “if you don’t make a memorandum of it.”

  1. It is good to hear from you. I have no idea why, but sometimes, when I have a cuppa, I tink of u. Might be the Alice thing that I associate you with, but anyway.
    What an extraordinary reconnection with your mum you had! Like a glimpse into a parallel universe. It would be ever so nice to have your little girl come in this universe…
    Take care, Maddie.

  2. I’ve written before about how those of us who have not succeeded on the infertility roller coaster start writing less and writing about other things when we do write. It’s like we just can not even face it in our writings anymore. 😦
    I am glad you are still focusing on being healthy. That is an important thing.

  3. Just popping by to thank you for checking in and let you know that I’m thinking about you this holiday season when everything seems kid focused. Sending love and light, and hope that your Mother was right and that your daughter is on her way to you some how, some way.

  4. How’d your January 29th ultrasound go? How are things there? I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I’m thinking about you.

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