“Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.”

Somewhat appropriate to update this blog on the holiday of the egg, no?

Thanks so much for the sweet comments and checking in on me these past few months…I’m okay. I haven’t had a lot to report, unfortunately, and life has been rather hectic. I do have some news, though, that is worth sharing for any of you who are still out there.

The Good News:

  • While my October ultrasound showed only my right ovary and no follicles, my January ultrasound showed both ovaries and 2 follicles on my right one – they weren’t huge, but they were there, which I consider a victory.
  • My stubborn ureaplasma is finally gone, so the treatment in NYC was worth it as 3 different oral antibiotics could not get rid of it.

The Bad News

  • No cycle since October.
  • I saw Dr. Click Clack (the naprotechnology doctor) a couple of weeks ago and we’ve decided to stop the hormone therapy for now as I have a lump in my breast (it’s been there for about a year, and I’ve had a mammogram and 2 ultrasounds (last one in December) and the radiologist says it has not grown, but it’s making me nervous and I’m trying to get a biopsy so I can have a more definitive answer). Dr. CC wanted to just stop my estrogen, and just give me prometrium, and I accepted the prescription but haven’t filled it. Frankly, I’m really tired of taking these hormones and according to Yu Ming (my Chinese doctor), I’ve been having all kinds of trouble with liver and gall bladder congestion – likely because my body is having to work hard to try to process these hormones. So I’m taking a break from them. I thought going off them would make me feel terrible, but it’s been a few weeks and I feel okay. Yu Ming has put me on lots of herbs (in pill form) and is putting a LOT of needles around my breast to try to clear the cyst or lump or whatever it is. Yu Ming also thinks I have a lot of deep emotions that are blocking my energy flow. So we are working on this, too.

And that’s all my physical health news.

Emotionally, well, I’m alright. I still get sad now and then because I haven’t been able to have a child and I don’t understand why not me. Especially when there are so many idiots out there who are given the privilege. But as I’ve exhausted most paths to conceiving, now I am left with just living. Mr. Hatter and I are able to focus more on just ourselves now that The Teenager is an adult. (Remember, we’ve never actually been just the two of us. We’ve been raising a child our whole relationship.)

Even though they aren’t my first choices for building a family, I thought I should offer up the other IF menu options to Mr. H – I asked him recently did he want to try to do donor egg or adopt a baby, or even adopt 2 or 3 older children…He said he was content with things as they are. I know if I did become pregnant, he would be thrilled, but he has had a genetic child, so I guess he has come to terms with not having more. And I’m okay with that. We adore our dog, and hope to have more of them when we have more space, and that will be our family.

Beyond that, I’m doing a lot career-wise these days, which has been very nice. Lots of creative flow and interesting work. And we’ve continued to travel a great deal, and socialize and have fun. Since I can’t have a baby, I’m going to have fun, for heaven’s sake. So, yes, I go out for fine meals and I drink champagne and go dancing and I treat myself to the spa and I spend lots of money on clothes and shoes and purses. Life is too short to live in a sad place all the time over what never was. 

And that’s where I’m at. I hope that everyone out there is well, and that maybe knowing I’m not a puddle on the floor at this stage is somehow helpful to someone out there…Feel free to email me if you ever want to check in outside of this blog: verymadhatter@live.com XOXOXO



13 thoughts on ““Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.”

  1. Oh Maddy,
    I am so glad to hear that you aren’t in a heap in a puddle on the floor! I am glad that you’re feeling good without the hormones, and I hope that acupuncture clears the lump in your breast. I am also glad that the ureaplasma is finally gone! And hooray for exciting and creative work; that’s just wonderful! I am so glad to hear from you, and I will keep checking in from time to time and sending you good and happy vibes.

  2. SO proud of you for going through the theoretical options with Mr H, that was probably not an easy conversation to start. But great that the two of you are on the same page. That may sound trivial, but it is a major achievement after all you have been through. And I hope a nice base for a beautiful future together 😉
    lumps sounds scary, glad you are keeping it in check.
    When I found out my eggs were history BambiEyes urged me to make some ‘formal’ Farewell. To pick a date and a ritual. It was emotional and difficult, but it helped me to know we have a name and a date and make sure we don’t have to forget. Because that way I don’t have to think about it every day.
    Yay for creative and interesting work (and even more yay for travelling!)

    So good to hear from you,
    from Amsterdam with Love,

  3. Good to hear from you. I wonder how you’re doing, and I’m glad you’re not “a puddle on the floor.”

    Abiding with you.

  4. So so glad to read your update, I know we are somewhat in contact outside the blogsphere but still, I love to know you are ok! Much love and I can’t wait to see you soon!!

  5. I so look forward to your updates. I know that things are not the way you wished to be but it sounds like you are doing some pretty wonderful things. Here’s to champagne and purses!

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