“In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as the summers die: Ever drifting down the stream – Lingering in the golden gleam – Life, what is it but a dream?”

Something is happening to me.

A shift.

An evolution, of sorts.

As I was e-mailing this week with Linda from “I’ve Got Bad Plumbing” (who’s doing well, by the way, for those of you who remember her), I realized what it is.

Now that I have my test results, and now that I am finally scheduled to undergo this treatment, I am feeling a wave of relief come over me.

Based on the results, and my health history as well as that of my family, I am 99% certain I was doomed from birth with regards to my fertility. Not because of genetics, as some doctors would have me believe about my Premature Ovarian Failure, but because of the vertical transmission of bacteria from my parents to me. And it is possible to reverse the course with this treatment. I understand there is no guarantee we will catch my eggs in time to conceive a healthy, take home baby, but AT LEAST I HAVE FOUND THE ANSWER. That is huge for me. 

No more fretting over whether I have taken enough supplements or eaten enough organic food or slept enough or had the right acupuncture or herbs or IVF protocol or been on the right dose of DHEA or LDN…Because, ultimately, none of those things were the answer to what has been wrong with me. And now I will be taking care of it.

All going well, I will be clear of this infection in a few months. I will be healthy and energetic and maybe…just maybe…fertile. My hormones will become “normal”. My FSH will lower. I will get regular, healthier periods. I will have healthy cervical mucous.

How amazing is that?

So now, in the evening, when I feel the occasional hot flash, I no longer panic that I am melting like the wicked witch of the west in The Wizard of Oz….I used to feel, with this diagnosis, like I was eventually going to become a walking corpse with shrivelling skin and straw hair and cracked nails…like I was gradually decaying while still alive. Now, when I have a hot flash, or when my period is MIA, I just think, “That’s okay – we’re gonna fix that.” I’m going to fix my broken body. I feel so, so lucky to have found the solution to this. But my search has not been without suffering…a lot of wrong turns, a lot of dashed hopes, a lot of wasted time and money.

But here I am. I’ve survived all that. I pushed on, until I found the answer for me. Because my intuition told me what many of the doctors said was not right. I just didn’t know, until now, the root of my trouble. Not all Premature Ovarian Failure is caused by bacteria, but mine is.

I am so grateful to be in this place now…to know that my journey is, in a way, coming to an end.

Not because I have a baby, but because I am done with chasing white rabbits down holes.

I feel a sense of liberty, and power, and I’m excited about what the future might bring. Maybe a baby, but maybe just feeling healthy and at peace that we did everything we could for our health and our family.

There’s still some tough road ahead – the treatment won’t be fun for me, or my husband.

But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.