“And ever, as the story drained The wells of fancy dry, And faintly strove that weary one To put the subject by, “The rest next time–” “It is next time!” The Happy voice cry. Thus grew the tale of Wonderland”

I have to write this post because sometimes it is the only way I can centre myself and organize my thoughts when I am reeling from bad news.

Some of you have been with me for three and a half years, through my blogspot blog which was public and then private. And some of you may be reading this post as a complete stranger to me…I want to keep posting here because I want to share this part of my journey with other women who may be given similar cards to deal with. If you have high FSH or have been told you have Premature Ovarian Failure, I strongly recommend you arrange a phone consult with Dr. WK to see if your condition might be the result of a bacterial infection (not all are, but mine is/was and I can’t tell you how much I wish I had gone this route sooner, for it really might be too late for me now). 

Mr. H is finishing up his IV antibiotic therapy, and bravely endured his injections. I have had 5 more uterine washes at Dr. WK’s suggestion…By the way, Dr. WK and I saw immediate improvement – my vagina was dry and fragile at the beginning of the week with only a little yellow cervical mucous and towards the end I was producing beautiful, clear mucous, just like before. Also, again I noticed my tongue became smooth and healed – no more patch at the back (anyone out there who follows traditional Chinese medicine will understand this).

Dr. WK did do a swab to see if the bacteria had a resurgence (we think it did) and told me that I am likely resistant to the oral antibiotics, so he does not plan to give me any more at this time. We are hoping that the extra washes have now done the trick and eradicated all the bacteria. Mr. H still has his 30-day course of oral antibiotics to take….He should be done by the end of March.

But the bad news is this:

Before my last wash, Dr. WK did an ultrasound and there were no follicles. That’s right. Zero. While I have enough of a lining and my ovaries (one in particular) are large enough (but not large) to indicate there is some estrogen production, there are no follicles at all. This means that, while Dr. WK was successful in his treatment – my ovaries and hormone production are improved and I continue to feel better overall – we were too late. The chances of there being any eggs left are very very slim. He was sad for me, and very kind about it, and I was, well, devastated.

It’s pretty hard to cry with a catheter in your cervix and your feet in stirrups, but I managed to.

And then, Mr. H and I went to a diner for breakfast and stared at all the strollers and toddlers going by out the window, and I blubbered some more.

If only I had done this sooner….if only I had not done so many IUIs (which push the bacteria further up one’s cervix)…if only I hadn’t done 5 stim cycles in an attempt to do IVF (the drugs make it worse)….if only, if only, if only…..but alas, all I have is what I have now.

So.

Where does this leave me?

Here’s the half-full part:

Dinah, Dr. WK’s patient who lives locally, also had zero follicles and Dr. WK told her he thought there was no chance she would conceive, either. But 4 months later she did, and she now has a lovely little girl to show for it.

It takes a little digging, but I managed to google and find other tales of no follicles and later follicles appeared again and conception took place and babies were born…more proof that it is not completely impossible.

This is my ground zero. No follicles. No periods. Nothing. (Except horrible hot flashes.)

I have to play the cards I’ve got.

So this is what I’m going to do:

Now that my thyroid should be sorting itself out, and now that I have gotten Mr. H taken care of, I can focus on taking care of myself. I am going to go back to taking my supplements religiously (wheatgrass, CoQ10, prenatal, Ubiquinol, fish oil, selenium, R-Lipoic Acid, probiotics and Vitex). I’m going to see Yu Ming for acupuncture regularly, and when she feels my system has calmed down, take Chinese herbs she prescribes. I am going to eat a nutrient-rich, mostly organic diet, making sure I’m getting lots of bone and vegetable broths, spinach, and fresh juices. I am not going to cut out any “bad” foods because I realize that makes me feel punished and stressed – I will just increase the super foods to nourish every cell in my body. I will exercise much more – cardio, yoga, weights – to increase my bloodflow and release of toxins. I’m also going to meditate – I will start out a few minutes a day and try to increase from there.

This is the new plan. I am going to fill the well again and see what happens.

And if I am lucky enough to get my period, I will get my CD3 bloodwork and return to Dr. Click Clack to request cycle monitoring to see what’s going on.

As usual, I have very little discipline without a daily record, so I am going to go back to my reports of what I’m eating, taking and doing for my health each day…and at the end of it all, if I’m not pregnant, at least I will be strong and in shape physically, mentally and spiritually.

Here we go again.